Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Open Letter to the Woman Lighting Up While Pumping Gas

Ma'am,

I just missed an important and teachable moment, because I was too chicken to approach you, but let me throw my thoughts into the ether, on the chance that someone, somewhere might run across this and think.

While filling my gas tank here in Decatur, GA, I just watched you light and begin smoking your cigar, while filling your own tank, with a child (presumably yours, but at the very least in your care) in your car. I watched the whole event with shock and no small amount of fear, as I and my own son were not entirely out of harm's way, should that very reckless behavior have caused the worst case scenario. There was a narrow window, where you had completed the pumping and capped the tank, but before you got into your car, when I should have approached you, but found myself too socially inept and cowardly to do so.

Here is a quick primer, since you may not realize why it is illegal to smoke while pumping gas. It is not necessary for the flame to contact the actual, liquid gasoline that you are pumping. Gasoline, like most liquids,  is constantly evaporating, producing a vapor.  (Think of it like water evaporating.) Gasoline vapor is actually far more volatile and dangerous than the liquid form. By this I mean it is highly flammable. It is also heavier than air, which means it does not quickly disperse and float away, but can linger in the area for some time after it spills out into the environment. Although cars don't actually explode like the cars on TV, it is entirely possible for a large and rapidly spreading fire to break out in the area where gas is being pumped, if it come into contact with an open flame. A fire at the gas station, started by your cigar, or the match that you stuck to light it, could easily have consumed yourself, your car, and the child within, in a matter of seconds.

Although I am also personally disturbed by the thought of your smoking in the car with the child, which can cause harm, that does not, at the very least, pose an immediate threat of horrible injury or death to yourself, the child, and even unrelated bystanders. Since you were smoking in the car anyway, I would hope that in the future, you could at least wait until you are finished pumping gas and are "safely" back in the car, before lighting up.

Sincerely,
Your Fellow Citizen

Friday, January 15, 2010

Bigger Than Jesus

Friends, colleagues, and other acquaintances may be surprised to learn I have written practically nothing on The Simpsons. One does not have to know me for long to learn I'm one of THOSE geeks who has a vast array of quotes ready for any occasion, but, other than making a couple of minor edits to the Wikipedia entry, my contribution to online Simpsons communities has been nil. The recent 20th anniversary celebration, and a shout out on my favorite podcast, the Slate Culture Gabfest, have prodded me to action. Also, my friend Barry recently asked his Facebook community to list their all time favorite quotes from television, and I realized when considering his question that I would really have to do two lists. That is, I would need to make a separate, non-Simpsons list, because otherwise...

At any rate, "quotes" would end up being a slight misnomer, since most of these examples require at least a bit of context. There may be, in each, a perfect line, but the context is generally needed, to support the brilliance of the line. If I can find the clips, I will provide them. [Looks like I only found a couple of actual clips, so I will try to give some written context for the rest.]

So, in countdown form, these are some of my favorite moments, or quotes (not necessarily favorite episodes, although a couple of them are):

#6 - All in the Family Intro

#5 - "Just, just say 'slavery'" [3F20]

#4 - From "Homer and Apu" [1F10]

At an airport in India, several people departing a plane are (by appearance) Hare Krishnas. Some Western-looking people, dressed in suits, are singing at them, very Flanders-like, "If you're saved and you know it, clap your hands!"

Hare Krishna traveler [annoyed, rolling eyes]: Oh, great, Christians.

#3 - From "The Bart of War" [EABF16]

Bart and Milhouse have discovered (and damaged) a vast cache of Beatles memorabilia in the Flanders basement. Homer arrives.

Homer: Gee Ned, I had no idea you were such a Beatles fan.
Ned: They were bigger than Jesus!

#2 - From "Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish" [7F01]

Burns has just lost the election, after being served the three-eyed fish.

Burns: Ironic isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail! That's democracy for you.

#1 - Sacrilicious


A couple of quick observations. Yes, there does appear to be a religious, or even Christian, theme, to my favorite quotable moments. I think it may have to do with the fundamental spirit of irreverence, of truly holding nothing sacred.

And while I honestly cannot choose a favorite episode, two referenced above are among the greatest: "Two Cars in Every Garage, and Three Eyes on Every Fish" and "Much Apu About Nothing." Here too, I notice a theme of sorts--both episodes are sharp, cynical, political satire. Combined with the aforementioned irreverence, yet also ultimately with a deep, abiding love for America, in all its flawed excess, these episodes capture the show at its greatest. In particular, I still find the opening segment of "Much Apu About Nothing" to be the most brilliant piece of American political satire I have yet seen. (Starting with a bear wandering into Springfield, and closing with Quimby blaming illegal immigrants.) And this I say with all due respect to SNL, Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, the Smothers Brothers, et al. If you haven't seen it in a while, it is very much worth it.

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Slow, Steady March of the Nanny State

Step by step, inch by inch, they are coming for my cheeseburger. If you enjoy deciding what you will eat, instead of, you know, having daddy decide for you, you might want to say something. Just a thought.